I absolutely hate “horse twitter” accounts. I follow one of them I think, and that’s Glorious Alliance and that’s because she is nice and wrote a book. Seriously, the horse wrote a book. If you get a book published you can write a tweet. Now if you’re a horse out there and you rattle off a few wins, maybe even a graded stakes or two and you want to jump into the world of social media, here’s some advice I have for you about jumping into twitter.
1. Don’t talk in the first person. Nobody believes you’re really a horse and imagine what kind of freak show people are going to think you are if you’re a talking horse. Hollywood will take your right off the track and put you into the movies. And you know what being in movies mean for animals don’t you? That’s right….carnies! You’ll be on the road with little carnies. Small hands. Smell like cabbage.
2. Don’t tweet right after the race. People are going to know it’s not really you, the horse, tweeting if eight seconds after you cross the wire in front you drop a tweet saying “Suck on my gelded balls, I’m the best!” Wait until you’re at least cooled out and back in the test barn waiting to pee, that’s a good time to fire out that tweet.
3. Respect your competition. While there’s few things worse than a horse twitter account, one thing that is worse is a horse twitter account that is disrespectful to other horses. C’mon, act like you’ve been in the winner’s circle before.
4. Don’t argue with horseplayers. Let me tell you something about horseplayers, they will often come across as grouchy, jaded, bitter and always playing devil’s advocate. That’s because they are all those things. When they say “I don’t think you’re going to the get the distance,” it’s not that they think you’re a bad horse or hate you, just means they think your father didn’t have that much stamina. If they think you are on the “juice”, arguing and yelling at them when they question you doesn’t help your cause. Roid rage anyone??
5. Be careful of your connections. Now even though you’re a horse with a twitter account and a voice, your human connections are still likely going to have a big effect on your twitter experience. If you’re a horse that lives in a barn like Shugs, or Motion, or Jonathan Sheppard or someone like that, you’re in the clear. Because your trainers are all class and your owners are likely millionaire business folks who know how to behave. Now if you’re a Pletcher horse, things might get touch and go. Seems lots of folks aren’t a fan of your fearless white haired leader, and if you happen to be a freak at Gulfstream and no where else, expect people on twitter to call you out on it. If you’re from the Baffert barn, just assume most people on the east coast won’t like you (except Kentucky writers, they’ll think you’re the second coming of Man O’War) and a little over half of the west coast will love you. If you’re chill and cool, you’ll be ok. But if you start challenging people and getting pesky, it’s over! And if your owners are rural cowboys from northern California…well as long as you never lose a race….you’re golden! But if you do, better get the mute button ready!
Happy tweeting horses!