With the Breeders’ Cup coming up I figured it was important to do a Breeders’ Cup fashion blog post, because apparently fashion is important at these horse racing events.  To be honest, I could give a rats ass about fashion at anytime, but….since it’s the BC…I figured I’d write a Breeders’ Cup Fashion article for regular folks.  Those of us who don’t want to wear a suit or tie or big dress and hat.  Those of us who prefer a table or bench down on the rail rather than up in the Turf Club or the Press Box.  Here are some keys to Breeders’ Cup fashion.

Collared Shirt

Now even though we’re not dressing up for the BC, the collared shirt is a staple for a horseplayer.  It should not be new, in fact, it should be a few years old.  It’s always a bonus if it has a logo from a hotel or racetrack on the left chest side, just so everyone knows you got it on that one trip you took in 2008.  Another handy aspect of the collared shirt is that some of them come with a pocket on the breast for your cigarette pack.  This way your smokes don’t get smushed and are available for easy access.  Another key aspect of the collared shirt is that it allows for proper breathing for your chest hair, which should be flowing well out of the shirt and into the room.  Also this will help expose your necklace that is surely not real gold.

The Hat

Now on BC day, lots of people will be wearing hats.  The ladies will be wearing big hats and most of the hipster douche’s will be sporting a fedora.  But we horseplayers go with a ball cap.  And not just any ballcap.  It’s not a baseball team logo or anything like that.  Generally it’s a casino/hotel hat.  Always button up, never fitted.  It’s usually from a tournament you finished in the top ten in like twelve years ago at the Peppermill in Reno.  The word “Nevada” will be on at least 30% of the hats you’ll see at the BC.  Sample hat below:

Staying at home?

So many of us watch and play the races from home thanks to the wonderful ADW technology available to all of us.  Well…if that’s the case, then it doesn’t matter what you wear.  I mean look at this guy, he’s the happiest guy in the world right now!

The Breeders’ Cup is almost upon us so I thought as I did last year, I’d make some odds and prop plays for everyone’s hopeful enjoyment.  These are all things I think could or will happen on twitter during the BC and the odds of how many times.  All of these are meant in jest and I actually like and respect everyone who is getting teased on here, but with that said….here you go!

1. Over/Under on the number of horses Pat Cummings @Dubairacenight will suggest should run in Dubai next year….14.5

2. Over/Under on the number of seconds for Josh Hanson @barbaro1420 to gloat when Bayern runs up the track….2.5

3.  Over/Under on the number of times Melissa Nolan @keenegal mentions her MBA…..4.5

4.  Over/Under on the magnitude of the earthquake in So Cal from JJ @dmsurfside yelling BOOM after a win….4.9

5.  Over/Under on the value of Simon Bray’s @SimonTVG twitter account before the Classic….$13,956

6.  Over/Under on the number of drinks Mike Hunt @theraiderfan has before the Classic on Saturday…….16.5

7.  Over/Under on the number of times Mike Smith raises his helmet to the sky……2.5

8.  Over/Under on the number of people I get mad at when they take my tweets seriously…..13.5

9.  Over/Under on the number of times Carly Kaiser @carlykaiser says “Dat (insert noun) Doh”…..1.5

10. Over/Under on the number of BBW’s Davis @ridindirtydavis hits on Friday night…..49.5

11. Over/Under on the number of #RacingGirls hashtags Molly Jo @Mollyjorosen tweets out…..589.5

12. Over/Under on the number of heart attacks Jose Contreras @losponies has if Cal Chrome wins……1/2

13.  Over/Under on the number of times Craig Milkowski @timeformUSfigs complains about fractions in the race  12.5

14.  Over/Under on how many races til @Derbyologist claims there’s a bias….1.5

15.  Over/Under on the number of times Trevor Denman says “Scintillating”……2.5

16.  Over/Under on how many wins Leandro Mora gets….1.5

17.  Over/Under on the number of times Emily White @racehorsewriter tears up…..8.5

18.  Over/Under on the number of times Nicolle @rogueclown passes out if a Curlin horse wins….3.5

19.  Over/Under on the number of people who unfollow Ed DeRosa @EJXD2….7.5

20. Over/Under on the number of Jay Privman tweets that get through to my timeline even though I have him blocked….2.5

21.  Over/Under on the number of people @PNWCapper yells at if they don’t talk to him…..3.5

22. Over/Under on the number of 2 year old races Brian DiDonato gets upset at himself for betting on….3.5

23. Over/Under on the random Chili photographs posted by @JoshSouthworth….1.5

24. Over/Under on how many minutes it takes @bombsawaybob to play a superfecta at Mountaineer after the BC Classic…..5.5

I’ll never forget that phone call in February of 2006.  It was from Brian DeJong from River Downs and Beulah Park and he asked me very simply “So do you want it?”  It…was the announcer job at River Downs.  I had only called a handful of races at Portland Meadows so they were taking a shot with a total unknown.  I told him yes right away, not even asking what the pay was.  I didn’t care.  This was my chance.  I had been working for my mom for a couple years as a floor man at her poker room and I hated it.   I remember standing in my upstairs computer room and just screaming “Yes!! Yes!!”   I ran straight down to my mom’s business to tell her the news.  Somewhere on that drive I realized that I was going to have to move cross country in a month.  At the time, I hadn’t left the Seattle/Portland corridor in about two years, so I was nervous about not only moving, but moving 2306 miles from home.  As the trip got closer and closer I decided I was going to make my trip into a vacation.  Here was the itinerary:

Friday: Portland to Sacramento (Cal Expo harness friday night)
Saturday: Sacramento to San Francisco (Golden Gate Fields Saturday)
Sunday morning: San Francisco to Arcadia (Santa Anita)
Sunday evening: Arcadia to Los Alamitos (Los Al)
Sunday night:  After races at Los Al drive to Palm Springs
Monday Morning: Palm Springs to Phoenix (Turf Paradise)
Monday evening: Phoenix to Tucson
Tuesday morning: Tucson to El Paso (Sunland Park)
Wednesday: El Paso to Dallas
Thursday: Dallas to Hot Springs
Friday:  Oaklawn Park
Saturday: Little Rock to Nashville
Sunday: Nashville to Cincinnati

It was an ambitious 9 day trip that was going to consist of a shit load of gambling and a shit load of driving.  I brought $3,000 with me for gambling and somewhat responsibly didn’t play much at Cal Expo or at Golden Gate.  When I pulled into Santa Anita on Sunday I had stayed up most of Saturday evening studying the PP’s.  I went off like a rocket.  I didn’t hit a single thing all day.  I think I ended up dropping like $600 and my bankroll was already about a quarter of the way gone counting my three In N Out runs I’d made on the trip (Redding, Kettleman City, and one in LA somewhere).  I sprinted down the freeway to Cypress California and went to Los Alamitos.  I introduced myself to Mike Joyce and Dave Weaver who were there broadcasting the Quarters.  They were super nice even though they’d of course never heard of me.  When I was walking around I heard Ed Burgart say there was a carryover in the Pick 6.  I thought he said there was a $12,000 carryover so I took a $24 stab at it.  Well I hit each leg and even though it was chalky, with the carryover I thought this might pay well.  Well it turns out the carryover was $1,200 and not $12,000 and it ended up paying a whopping $76.

I drove to Palm Springs that night and the next day got up early and raced to Phoenix.  I went into the office at Turf Paradise and asked if I could meet Luke Kruytbosch.  The lady said he’d be there shortly and sure enough he walked right in.  I introduced myself and told him I was moving to Cincinnati to announce at River Downs and he invited me to come up and hang out with him.  It was surreal.  This guy announced the Kentucky Derby and here he was inviting me up to hang out.  Luke couldn’t have been nicer.  He gave me advice, told me some funny stories and told me some of the characters he knew from River Downs, including a guy named Vince who was the simulcast coordinator.  Well as the card wore on I told Luke I should leave him alone and I went down to the apron to gamble.  Well the last race there I hit a Superfecta that paid $1,800!  I looked up at Luke and was trying to communicate that I made a big hit, but i’m sure to him it just looked like a fat guy dancing.

I drove to Tucson that night, my wallet quite a bit fatter and in the morning I made a b-line through New Mexico and down to El Paso to go visit Sunland Park.  I remember you actually enter Texas and then when you get off the freeway and drive to Sunland, like 2 blocks before you get to the track you cross back into New Mexico.  I spent the whole day with Robert Geller, who I’d known from working at Emerald Downs.  Robert is the best guy ever and we had a blast.  TVG even called and was asking him which horse he liked and he asked me…I said the #3.  Robert says on air “My friend Jason likes the 3….I like the 6, who looks great on the track.”  The 6 was 45/1!  Well it came in 3/6 and TVG called right back after the race and wanted to know if we hit the exacta!  (we didnt).  I do remember there was a horse making its debut named “Scaramouche” and Robert had never heard that word before and I told him I think it was from the song Bohemian Rhapsody.  Well in the race, Scaramouche made a huge move and grabbed the lead at the 1/16th pole.  Robert without missing a beat turns to look at me, away from the track and says “And Scaramouche doing the fandango!”  I died laughing but at the same time admired his immediate wit and ability.

Wednesday was a drive all day through west Texas and then drive to the Lone Star Parking lot just to say I went there.  Thursday was drive to Hot Springs where I was gonna go to Oaklawn the next day.  I ended up that night going to a classy (dive) Gentleman’s Club (strip club) called the French Quarter.  There were two gals dancing there, one older and really thin blonde gal and one younger and thicker blonde gal.  Well the older gal was on the pole and doing some upside down trick and pops her face on the pole and a tooth comes flying out.  She bends over and picks it up and puts it right back in.  It was the strangest and most awesome thing I’ve ever seen in a titty bar.  I mean gentlemen’s club.

I spent the next day at Oaklawn, which if you haven’t been is horseplayer heaven.  I was standing in line waiting to play a trifecta at Gulfstream and some lady, with an hour to post at Oaklawn, was asking questions on how to bet a daily double.  the teller explained and she wasn’t getting it and sure enough I get shutout (the self serves were 3 or 4 people deep).  The tri hits and I would have made $400.  I sat there pissed off and did that passive aggressive move where you curse loud enough about your bad beat so everyone, including the teller and the lady know they cost you $400.  I was a douche.  I ended up hitting 4 out of 6 in the Classix wager and lost a couple hundred bucks.  I was pretty burned out at this point though.  I drove to Nashville the next night and just pigged out on Texas Roadhouse for dinner in my hotel and got up the next morning and finally drove to Cincinnati.  I drove straight to River Downs to look at my new place of employment.  I stopped at White Castle, which was the grossest hamburger I’ve ever had.  They were just awful.  But it was a great adventure and the next two years when I would drive to River Downs I’d make the same drive each time.  Awww to be young.

Monday night I was feeling frisky again and started chugging through a bunch of “You might be a horseplayer if” jokes. So here is Part 2 of the mildly popular series 🙂

Jason

When you refer to your overdrawn bank account as a “minus pool”…you might be a horseplayer
When Ajax is a Canadian QH track and not a cleaning product…you might be a horse player
When you refer to your friend who spends all his time with his spouse as being gelded…you might be a horseplayer
When you gain five pounds and refer to it as losing your bug…you might be a horseplayer
When you can recall how much a 6 horse trifecta box costs faster than you’re birthday…you might be a horseplayer
If you redboard to Andy Serling on twitter…..you might be a horseplayer
If you’ve ever had an argument with Brooklyn Back stretch…you might be a horseplayer
If you have more tickets in your wallet than credit cards…you might be a horseplayer
If your wife buys a juicer and you make a joke about her buying Doug O’neill….you might be a horseplayer
If the only time you set your alarm for 5am is cause it’s Dubai World Cup Day….you might be a horseplayer
If you know the name of the morning line maker at NYRA but not your wife’s best friend…you might be a horseplayer
When you refer to your oldest child as your first crop….you might be a horseplayer
When you refer to the start time of any event in your life as post time…you might be a horseplayer
When you get a cramp during sex and tell your partner you’ve been pulled up…you might be a horseplayer
When 95% of your ATM withdrawals occur at the OTB…you might be a horseplayer
When you get stood up and refer to your date as a scratch….you might be a horseplayer
If you bought satellite just to hear Steve Byk….you might be a horseplayer
When you refer to monday and tuesdays as days off…even though you worked…you might be a horseplayer
If the guy at 7-11 bends under the counter to grab a form when he sees you walking in the parking lot…you might be a horseplayer
If you complain about food trucks at the tracks on big days….you might be a horseplayer
If you still call Parx “Keystone Park” because that’s what it was called when you started gambling…you might be a horseplayer
When you name your pets after famous race horses….you might be a horseplayer
When your belt has a halter name plate on it….you might be a horseplayer
If you’ve actually heard of Chester, West Virginia…you might be a horseplayer
When you say Exactor just because it’s more fun to say….you might be a horseplayer
If you correct people when they say Trevor Denman is “british”….you might be a horseplayer
If you tell your friends you’re going to Inglewood after dark on a Friday….you must be a horseplayer
If the only french you know is “Il Sont Partis”….you might be a horseplayer
If you assume any girl named Laurel was named after the track in Maryland…you might be a horseplayer
If you were more sad when Suffolk closed down than when your house got foreclosed…you might be a horseplayer
When you know exactly how to say “Dakota” or Nebraska backwards…you might be a horseplayer
When you’re more familiar with Larry Lederman than David Letterman…you might be a horseplayer
If your HANA membership card is more prominently positioned in your wallet than your license…you might be a horseplayer
When you’ve been to more tracks in your lifetime than relatives houses….you might be a horseplayer
If you don’t know who Dan Tordjman is but know who Danonymous is…you might be a horseplayer
If you’ve ever been up at 4am and talked Zimbabwe racing with @chare889 on twitter…you might be a horseplayer
If someone mentions Dubai in casual conversation and your first thought is of Pat Cummings…you might be a horseplayer
If you’ve ever had a negative tweet typed and ready to go in case Baffert wins the race…you might be a horseplayer
If you know who Joe Withee is but can’t name the speaker of the house….you might be a horseplayer
If you Iphone has Pletcher in autocorrect…you might be a horseplayer
If the DRF has only two tracks in it for $7 and you still buy it…you might be a horseplayer
If you feel like you know your horse racing twitter friends better than your co-workers…you might be a horse player

If you think down on people who play slots yet you’ll bet a race with no pp’s…you might be a horseplayer
If you text your friends because you saw Deshawn Parker at the grocery store…..you might be a horseplayer
If you’ve ever scanned a bank of TV’s at the OTB looking for the next race that is 0 MTP…you might be a horseplayer
When you refer to your hottest sexual partners as “stakes caliber”…you might be a horseplayer
If you’ve ever gotten into a twitter argument with Bruno the Clocker….you might be a horseplayer
If you’ve ever sent in a complaint email or tweet about Todd Schrupp…you might be a horseplayer
If you’re willing to walk 2 miles to the track to save $4 on parking….you might be a horseplayer
If you get enraged that NYRA doesn’t run on Palm Sunday….you might be a horseplayer
If you’re youngest is a star athlete and you refer to yourself as a leading third crop sire…you might be a horseplayer
If your Hall Pass girl is a paddock hostess…..you might be a horseplayer
If a $0.25 DRF price increase ends up costing you more than a 10% income tax hike…you might be a horseplayer
If you know the fastest way from Santa Anita to Los Al on a Saturday night….you might be a horseplayer
When you refer to your inlaws as your wife’s “Connections”…you might be a horseplayer
If your son breaks his leg at soccer and you tell your wife “he snapped one off”….you might be a horseplayer
If you really weren’t surprised how much Scott Blasi cursed….you might be a horseplayer
If a girls tells you “you hung” and you think it means you didn’t finish strong….you might be a horseplayer

If on Kentucky Derby day friends you don’t talk to all year text you out of the blue….you might be a horseplayer
If you hoped Steve Coburn would keep blabbing his mouth cause it would keep racing in the headlines…you might be a horseplayer
if you have more Kentucky Derby glasses than regular glasses in your house….you might be a horseplayer
If you felt guilty when Gary Stevens quit twitter cause you always talked shit to him….you might be a horseplayer
If you remember the name of the horse that cost you money but can’t remember your address….you might be a horseplayerIf you’ve ever gotten into a twitter feud with Bayern Colt or the old Palace Malice account….you might be a horseplayer
If a little piece of your heart died when Christine Oliveras got married….you might be a horseplayer
If you’ve ever lied about where some extra money came from…..you might be a horseplayer
If the only time you’ve called your congressman was to object to a takeout increase….you might be a horseplayer (last one I promise)

I had some fun last night writing and tweeting out a series of jokes in the vein of Jeff Foxworthy’s “you might be a redneck if…”.  Only all mine were about horse players.  It really just started out with one joke about Australia gamblers and next thing I know, I pulled open a horse racing glossary and just made the first jokes that came to mind.  People seemed to get a kick out of them, so I thought I’d write em all down.   So enjoy!

If you’ve ever postponed sex to catch one more race from Australia B….you might be a horseplayer

If you refer to your pregnant wife as In foal……you might be a horseplayer

If you refer to your most talented daughter as ‘The Big Mare’….you might be a horseplayer

If you’ve ever been late to a date cause you were in your car watching 4th from Ellis Park on Horse RacesNow app…you might b a horseplayer

If you refer to the taxes taking out of your paycheck as takeout…you might be a horse player

If your vacation destination is Cypress, CA or Arlington Heights, IL…you might be a horse player

If you pay $7 for a newspaper…..you might be a horse player

If you’ve ever told your wife that your in the mall while you’re at the OTB…you might be a horseplayer

If your 4 year old gets a nose bleed and you tell your wife to give him lasix….you might be a horse player

If you get pissed at your child for having their wedding on the 1st Saturday in May….you might be a horseplayer

If you’ve brought homework to the track….you might be a horseplayer

If you pretend you’re a jockey while driving through traffic…you might be a horseplayer

If you know who Frank Miramahdi is but don’t know your own neighbor…you might be a horseplayer

If you refer to a virgin as an apprentice…you might be a horseplayer

If you refer to your hottest sexual conquest at “Black Type”….you might be a horseplayer

If you refer to red heads as “chestnuts”…you might be a horseplayer

When instead of a ring, you hang a claiming tag on your spouse at the wedding…you might be a horseplayer

When you refer to your trainer at the gym as the “Clerk of Scales”…you might be a horseplayer

When you know Ken Ramsey’s silks but not your own anniversary…you might be a horseplayer

When you refer to your wife’s inlaws as her “connections.”….you might be a horseplayer

When your wife puts on earmuffs and you tell her she looks like Gate Dancer…you might be a horse player

When you actually took the time to figure out how many “hands” tall you were….you might be a horseplayer

If you’ve ever called someone to brag about a losing bet….you might be a horseplayer

When you and your friends rate the attractiveness of people of the opposite sex by using claiming prices…you might be a horseplayer

when you call a 126 pound man ‘5 pounds overweight”…..you might be a horseplayer

when you flunked junior high math but know exactly how many yards are in 5 furlongs…you might be a horseplayer

when your ring tone is the call to post…you might be a horseplayer

When your buddy brags about banging a hot chick last week and you tell him to stop redboarding…you might be a horseplayer

when you associate the #9 with turquoise…you might be a horseplayer

when you refer to yourself as a “insert state you’re from”–bred….you might be a horseplayer

when you feel like your know Mark and Nancy from Mountaineer better than your coworkers…you might be a horseplayer

when you’re nervous for something and refer to yourself as “washing out”…you might be a horseplayer

When you don’t know what country Dubai is in but do know the name of the big track there….you might be a horseplayer

If you get more upset when Belmont and Keeneland run a race at the same time than if your wife cheats on you…you might be a horseplayer

when your neighbor says he’s going to Philly for business trip and you tell him about Parx Trifecta takeout rate…you might b a horseplayer

when someone cures cancer and you still put them down on twitter….you might be a horseplayer

When you’re more upset about a $0.50 DRF price increase than your house value decreasing 100k…you might be a horseplayer

when a random side character in a movie or show has a DRF in his hand and he/she immediately becomes your favorrite…u might b. a h-player

If you feel like you and Dave Weaver would be the best of friends if you met….you might be a horseplayer

when you know more about Zenyatta’s first foal than your first nephew…you might be a horse player

When a job application asks you if you belong to any groups or organizations and you list HANA…you might be a horseplayer

If you know who Chuck Dybdal is and you think he looks like Santa Claus….you might be a horse player

If the last book you read was Beyer on Speed in 1987….you might be a horseplayer

When meeting Vic Stauffer is more exciting than your sisters graduation from UCLA..you might be a horseplayer (that’s me)

When you bring up to your therapist feelings of sadness about Palace Malice retiring..you might be a horseplayer

When your only knowledge of political goings on comes from PaceAdvantage Off Topic section…you might be a horseplayer

When every time you use the word “gaining” you say it like Mike Battaglia….you might be a horseplayer

If a horse racing topic trends nationally and you feel prouder than when you graduated college….you might be a horse player

When you talk like Michael Wrona for 2 hours after watching a race from Golden Gate…you might be a horseplayer

when you’ve debated whether to get a 3 piece from KFC or play a $5 ticket at Yonkers….you might be a horseplayer

When you spend more time watching @chare889 ‘s webcast than you do Netflix…you might be a horseplayer

when you blame traffic for you being late and not the fact that two horses scratched at the gate…..you might be a horseplayer

If you refuse to let your spouse throw out a shirt from a track you went to in 1989…you might be a horse player

When someone asks you who your celebrity crush is and you reply with a paddock host….you might be a horseplayer

If your autocorrect on your phone knows the word Pletcher….you might be a horseplayer

When the only Bing Crosby song you know is “where the turf meets the surf”…you might be a horseplayer

If people ask if you’ve ever met a celebrity and you say you’ve met John Conte….you might be a horseplayer

If the only time you’ve watched Lettermen in the last decade is cause Victor Espinoza was on…you might be a horseplayer

If you tell your kid you’re not taking them trick or treating cause it interferes with Breeders Cup Friday…you might be a horseplayer

If after a big winning day you were convinced you could make a living playing the horses…you might be a horseplayer

If 4 of your best friends are total strangers who you talk about Los Alamitos on twitter with….you might be a horseplayer

If you can list Larry Collmus’ resume faster than your own….you might be a horseplayer

When you complain PP’s aren’t out 5 days before a race then don’t look at them til the night before….you might be a horseplayer

When your fingers have muscle memory for dialing up TVG an you dont even have to look at the remote…you might be a horseplayer

When you list of heroes in life includes “GetTheLosAlEdge” and “JJ”….you might be a horseplayer

When you get reassigned to San Antonio for a job and the first thing you do is check when Retama Park runs…you might be a horseplayer

If you’ve ever been yelled at on twitter by Andy Serling…..you might be a horseplayer

If you’ve ever had a twitter battle with Adam from Canada….you might be a horseplayer

If you’ve blamed an announcer for your horse losing….you might be a horseplayer

If you think Mike Joyce resembles Hideki Irabu….you might be a horseplayer

If the only time you’ve been to a food truck is cause they were in the infield of the track….you might be a horseplayer

If you can name who won the 1989 BC Classic faster than you can name who was President in 1989…you might be a horseplayer

if you scoured YouTube to find the Tom Durkin Match Game clip….you might be a horseplayer

If someone asks you if you’ve ever had your heart broken and you tell them about Smarty’s Belmont Stakes..u might be a horseplayer

If someone moves up a few notches of attractiveness to you because of their racing tweets…you might be a horseplayer

If every couple of months you wonder what happened to Frank Lyons…you might be a horseplayer

when you say “I would have had the tri” cause the 3 you boxed in the exacta ran 1 thru 3…you might be a horseplayer

If you complain about $2 admission but happily throw $20 at a tout from a toothless guy….you might be a horseplayer

If the only time you’ve made a bet at Balmoral was cause everything else was done running….you might be a horseplayer

If the only concert you’ve been to in the last decade was a Hollywood Park Friday night event…you might be a horseplayer

From Vic Stauffer: If you watch a losing replay hoping for a better trip. You might be a horseplayer