You might be a horseplayer

I had some fun last night writing and tweeting out a series of jokes in the vein of Jeff Foxworthy’s “you might be a redneck if…”.  Only all mine were about horse players.  It really just started out with one joke about Australia gamblers and next thing I know, I pulled open a horse racing glossary and just made the first jokes that came to mind.  People seemed to get a kick out of them, so I thought I’d write em all down.   So enjoy!

If you’ve ever postponed sex to catch one more race from Australia B….you might be a horseplayer

If you refer to your pregnant wife as In foal……you might be a horseplayer

If you refer to your most talented daughter as ‘The Big Mare’….you might be a horseplayer

If you’ve ever been late to a date cause you were in your car watching 4th from Ellis Park on Horse RacesNow app…you might b a horseplayer

If you refer to the taxes taking out of your paycheck as takeout…you might be a horse player

If your vacation destination is Cypress, CA or Arlington Heights, IL…you might be a horse player

If you pay $7 for a newspaper…..you might be a horse player

If you’ve ever told your wife that your in the mall while you’re at the OTB…you might be a horseplayer

If your 4 year old gets a nose bleed and you tell your wife to give him lasix….you might be a horse player

If you get pissed at your child for having their wedding on the 1st Saturday in May….you might be a horseplayer

If you’ve brought homework to the track….you might be a horseplayer

If you pretend you’re a jockey while driving through traffic…you might be a horseplayer

If you know who Frank Miramahdi is but don’t know your own neighbor…you might be a horseplayer

If you refer to a virgin as an apprentice…you might be a horseplayer

If you refer to your hottest sexual conquest at “Black Type”….you might be a horseplayer

If you refer to red heads as “chestnuts”…you might be a horseplayer

When instead of a ring, you hang a claiming tag on your spouse at the wedding…you might be a horseplayer

When you refer to your trainer at the gym as the “Clerk of Scales”…you might be a horseplayer

When you know Ken Ramsey’s silks but not your own anniversary…you might be a horseplayer

When you refer to your wife’s inlaws as her “connections.”….you might be a horseplayer

When your wife puts on earmuffs and you tell her she looks like Gate Dancer…you might be a horse player

When you actually took the time to figure out how many “hands” tall you were….you might be a horseplayer

If you’ve ever called someone to brag about a losing bet….you might be a horseplayer

When you and your friends rate the attractiveness of people of the opposite sex by using claiming prices…you might be a horseplayer

when you call a 126 pound man ‘5 pounds overweight”…..you might be a horseplayer

when you flunked junior high math but know exactly how many yards are in 5 furlongs…you might be a horseplayer

when your ring tone is the call to post…you might be a horseplayer

When your buddy brags about banging a hot chick last week and you tell him to stop redboarding…you might be a horseplayer

when you associate the #9 with turquoise…you might be a horseplayer

when you refer to yourself as a “insert state you’re from”–bred….you might be a horseplayer

when you feel like your know Mark and Nancy from Mountaineer better than your coworkers…you might be a horseplayer

when you’re nervous for something and refer to yourself as “washing out”…you might be a horseplayer

When you don’t know what country Dubai is in but do know the name of the big track there….you might be a horseplayer

If you get more upset when Belmont and Keeneland run a race at the same time than if your wife cheats on you…you might be a horseplayer

when your neighbor says he’s going to Philly for business trip and you tell him about Parx Trifecta takeout rate…you might b a horseplayer

when someone cures cancer and you still put them down on twitter….you might be a horseplayer

When you’re more upset about a $0.50 DRF price increase than your house value decreasing 100k…you might be a horseplayer

when a random side character in a movie or show has a DRF in his hand and he/she immediately becomes your favorrite…u might b. a h-player

If you feel like you and Dave Weaver would be the best of friends if you met….you might be a horseplayer

when you know more about Zenyatta’s first foal than your first nephew…you might be a horse player

When a job application asks you if you belong to any groups or organizations and you list HANA…you might be a horseplayer

If you know who Chuck Dybdal is and you think he looks like Santa Claus….you might be a horse player

If the last book you read was Beyer on Speed in 1987….you might be a horseplayer

When meeting Vic Stauffer is more exciting than your sisters graduation from UCLA..you might be a horseplayer (that’s me)

When you bring up to your therapist feelings of sadness about Palace Malice retiring..you might be a horseplayer

When your only knowledge of political goings on comes from PaceAdvantage Off Topic section…you might be a horseplayer

When every time you use the word “gaining” you say it like Mike Battaglia….you might be a horseplayer

If a horse racing topic trends nationally and you feel prouder than when you graduated college….you might be a horse player

When you talk like Michael Wrona for 2 hours after watching a race from Golden Gate…you might be a horseplayer

when you’ve debated whether to get a 3 piece from KFC or play a $5 ticket at Yonkers….you might be a horseplayer

When you spend more time watching ‘s webcast than you do Netflix…you might be a horseplayer

when you blame traffic for you being late and not the fact that two horses scratched at the gate…..you might be a horseplayer

If you refuse to let your spouse throw out a shirt from a track you went to in 1989…you might be a horse player

When someone asks you who your celebrity crush is and you reply with a paddock host….you might be a horseplayer

If your autocorrect on your phone knows the word Pletcher….you might be a horseplayer

When the only Bing Crosby song you know is “where the turf meets the surf”…you might be a horseplayer

If people ask if you’ve ever met a celebrity and you say you’ve met John Conte….you might be a horseplayer

If the only time you’ve watched Lettermen in the last decade is cause Victor Espinoza was on…you might be a horseplayer

If you tell your kid you’re not taking them trick or treating cause it interferes with Breeders Cup Friday…you might be a horseplayer

If after a big winning day you were convinced you could make a living playing the horses…you might be a horseplayer

If 4 of your best friends are total strangers who you talk about Los Alamitos on twitter with….you might be a horseplayer

If you can list Larry Collmus’ resume faster than your own….you might be a horseplayer

When you complain PP’s aren’t out 5 days before a race then don’t look at them til the night before….you might be a horseplayer

When your fingers have muscle memory for dialing up TVG an you dont even have to look at the remote…you might be a horseplayer

When you list of heroes in life includes “GetTheLosAlEdge” and “JJ”….you might be a horseplayer

When you get reassigned to San Antonio for a job and the first thing you do is check when Retama Park runs…you might be a horseplayer

If you’ve ever been yelled at on twitter by Andy Serling…..you might be a horseplayer

If you’ve ever had a twitter battle with Adam from Canada….you might be a horseplayer

If you’ve blamed an announcer for your horse losing….you might be a horseplayer

If you think Mike Joyce resembles Hideki Irabu….you might be a horseplayer

If the only time you’ve been to a food truck is cause they were in the infield of the track….you might be a horseplayer

If you can name who won the 1989 BC Classic faster than you can name who was President in 1989…you might be a horseplayer

if you scoured YouTube to find the Tom Durkin Match Game clip….you might be a horseplayer

If someone asks you if you’ve ever had your heart broken and you tell them about Smarty’s Belmont Stakes..u might be a horseplayer

If someone moves up a few notches of attractiveness to you because of their racing tweets…you might be a horseplayer

If every couple of months you wonder what happened to Frank Lyons…you might be a horseplayer

when you say “I would have had the tri” cause the 3 you boxed in the exacta ran 1 thru 3…you might be a horseplayer

If you complain about $2 admission but happily throw $20 at a tout from a toothless guy….you might be a horseplayer

If the only time you’ve made a bet at Balmoral was cause everything else was done running….you might be a horseplayer

If the only concert you’ve been to in the last decade was a Hollywood Park Friday night event…you might be a horseplayer

From Vic Stauffer: If you watch a losing replay hoping for a better trip. You might be a horseplayer

 

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