What to do next?

If you follow me over at my twitter page (@beemieawards) you know I recently got home from a trip calling races at Gulfstream Park West in Miami, Florida.  It really was the trip of a lifetime.  I even did a vlog about it HERE .  On the drive home I finally got some time to reflect on it.  When I agreed to do the fill-in gig, I really approached it as simply an opportunity to do something I had once done but hadn’t in a few years.

In April of 2015 I left Louisiana and drove home to interview for the job at Emerald Downs.  I didn’t get that job and didn’t want to go back to Louisiana, so for the first time in 10 years I was no longer working in racing.  In those next couple of years I really struggled with my anxiety, agoraphobia, and all that stuff.  I applied for a few announcing jobs but never really got a sniff.  I think word was out that I was probably wasn’t someone you wanted to be the voice of your track.  And they were right in thinking that.  I was struggling to even go to the grocery store.  Yet I was gonna call races?  No shot.

Starting last Spring I really started to focus on being more active and trying to get back out and see and do things.  I started making lists of things I wanted to do again.  #OperationTakeMyLifeBack had started.  Sometimes it was as simple as go to the shopping mall.  Or sit in a restaurant with a friend.  Or walk a mile.  Eventually the walks became 2 and now about 3 miles in the morning.  I found with the increased stamina it became easier to do these activities I wanted to do.  I went to a baseball game.  Took several trips.  Went on some great hikes.  It really was a great summer for me on several levels.

Calling the races at GPW was another big thing to check off.   So now back here on my couch, I’ve been thinking, what’s next?  What is next to try and do that maybe I used to do, or have never done?   I’m thinking about taking a trip on a train.  Nothing too long, but somewhere.  I’m way too attached to my car and for years saw it as a “safe place”.  If I can get to my car I can get away from whatever I was anxious about.  So I think taking a train trip like that might be a good exposure therapy exercise.   I want to go to the top of the space needle or Columbia tower.  Heights are still not my favorite and last time I went up in the space needle i had a knee buckling panic attack.  I also thought maybe I could go to an open mic night and play some songs on my guitar.  I haven’t played in front of people since probably 2013 or so?

The real big thing I hope to do again someday is to fly.  As a kid I loved to fly and when I was 21 I started having bad anxiety on a couple of flights.  My last flight was coming back from Las Vegas on my 21st birthday weekend.  I was completely panicked and when we landed I remember thinking “I’m not doing that again any time soon.”  I developed a total phobia of flying and just seeing a plane or seeing video of people in planes would send me into heart palpitations and sweats.   So now 17 years later I’m finally feeling open to trying again.  I’ve been watching youtube videos of people on flights.  I think I would try a short one, maybe from Seattle to Portland.  It’s like 25 minutes in the air.  I’m sure i’ll be scared, but I keep reminding myself of how proud i’ll be of myself when we land.

Part of me thinks getting older has eased the fears.  While I was scared of dying in the plane crash, i know the odds are miniscule.  For me, I was always scared of having a panic attack and freaking out and being stuck in the plane.  That’s the big fear.  Dying was a big part of it cause I always have been obscenely scared of dying.  But as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that fear just isn’t as strong.   I know it’s coming, and I know it’s probably coming sooner than later given my weight and health.  But If I have 10 or 20 or even 30 years left, I should take advantage of them and live and do things.  I spent so many years trying to avoid the outside world and scared in my little cocoon of fear.  It’s been so empowering pushing back against that past.  I have regrets that I can’t change it and get those years back, but I do take some comfort in the fact that I’ve emerged from those years in a better place.  Atleast for now.

My Best Day at the Races

Well since yesterday I wrote about my worst day at the races, it seemed only fitting to also write about my best day.  I actually thought about a few different options for what I would label my BEST day at the races.  There was hogging the Pick 4 on a monday night in October of 2005.  There was hitting the Longacres Mile trifecta in August of 2005 with a 60/1 shot on top.  There was all those days with my dad at old Longacres.  There was calling races at River Downs, or Louisiana Downs.  But instead I chose a day from Portland Meadows.  My last day at Portland Meadows to be exact.  December 28, 2014.

There weren’t any big races that day or really anything memorable on the track or in my calls for that matter.  But I remember it being an emotionally fulfilling day for a lot of reasons.  The first live racecall I ever made was in that booth at Portland Meadows back on January 8, 2006.  A Colt Named Sue won that race and I remember almost everything about that first race call, including how awful it was.  Portland Meadows gave me a chance to call some races early on and it allowed me to make a demo tape and get hired by River Downs in March of 2006.  Midway through that first summer at River Downs I was told that Mike O’Brien, the regular announcer at PM, was not going to be coming back cause the schedule was shifting more to weekday racing and Mike had a regular 9-5 job.   When I was offered the job I remember being so thrilled.  I was 5 months into being a racecaller and I now had two great jobs that ran perfectly opposite to one another.  I was a full-time racecaller.

I did two seasons at Portland Meadows as just the announcer and a few months after I left River Downs in 2008 (you read about that yesterday) they offered me a year round position as guest services manager/media contact and announcer.  It was great, I had health insurance for the first time in my racing career (also the last time lol) and learned a ton about management from my boss Will who now is a big wig with NYRA and one of the smartest people I know.

I eventually gave up the full time job cause I went to grad school starting in 2012, but they let me stick around and be just the announcer.   From 2010 to 2013 I struggled with many of those same anxiety/depression issues I’ve written about.  It was a lot of peaks and valleys as far as my mood, but overall I did ok.  But for some reason when our 2014 season started I was doing well and feeling well.  And something strange happened.  I really started to like racecalling again.  My passion for calling was at an all-time high and I was really feeding off those feelings.  Studying and prepping harder, warming up better, memorizing better, just really doing my best.   I was feeling so good about racecalling that when the job at Louisiana Downs came up and was offered to me, I took it.

Portland Meadows had cut from 76 days down to 39 and it just seemed like the next logical step.  It was more days, more money, better racing, more exposure, etc, etc, etc.   So I gave my boss about a months notice and told him my last day would be December 28th.  I’ll admit it was kind of fun being a lame duck announcer.  I made a few YOLO calls, some impressions, just was having fun with it all.  I remember one day Frank Stronach showed up with his whole crew of corporate guys.  They stopped by the booth while getting a tour from Will and Mr. Stronach, who I’d never seen there in the nine years I worked there, said to me “I hear you are leaving us?”  I nodded yes and said it was nice to meet you and thank you for employing me for nine years.  I sincerely meant it too.  He always got a lot of flack from some of the horseman and fans at PM, but I always felt like that group supported our little track.  But for me the date cuts just meant not enough income to survive.  lad1

So to the track for my Best Day, December 28, 2014.  I got there and the office crew had a cake made for me.  The tote guys got me a real nice card (see right).  Even just walking up to the booth that day I had bettors pull me aside and wish me luck and say some really nice things that meant a lot.  I had always taken a lot of pride being the announcer at Portland Meadows.  So it was cool to get that appreciative feedback for the work I’d done.

All of that was great, but the real reason this was my best day at the races was because I made such an effort to be present and in the moment.  Anxiety is generally fear of what will happen, not what is happening.  I knew in my heart I wanted to savor this day cause I was never going to get to do this job at this place ever again.  So each race I made sure to enjoy the feeling of talking over the PA system.  Enjoy the excitement of the people out front cheering as the horses came down the lane.  Enjoy getting to use a talent I had worked a decade on improving.  Enjoy getting to say the names of these jockeys and trainers one last time.  I really made such a point to soak it all in throughout the day.  I was so thankful and when we got to the last race, I really got emotional.  This was the ending of a nine year chunk of my life.  This was leaving a city I liked and the few friends I had.  And when they crossed the line and the last race went official, I just said thank you very much for letting me call these races.   Then clicked the mic and headed downstairs.

I cried a little hugging our Assistant General Manager Jerry cause I love Jerry.  And I cried a little saying goodbye to Will cause I love Will.  But I got in my car and drove out of the parking lot and hit the road that same night to Louisiana.  Two days later I was at Santa Anita park.  Two more after that I was in El Paso.  Two more after that I was in Shreveport.   But to this day I can still remember that feeling of calling those last races.  It taught me such a great lesson in savoring moments that you know might be important.  I”m glad I still have memories of my best day at the track.

My Worst Day at the Races

I remember once in a writing class our fearless leader told me to write 5 to 7 pages on a day that changed my life.  I found the exercise to be very rewarding and that prompt actually helped me to develop an essay I wrote that was published in Perceptions Magazine (you can read that HERE ).

I’ve been trying to write recently and have kind of been coming up empty.  I mean, I’m writing, it’s just nothing worth keeping.  But that same teacher always told me the best cure for not being able to write is to write.  So the other day when I heard a friend at Emerald Downs say “this was my worst day ever at the races” I thought it could be an interesting prompt.

Now I’ve had some brutal days at the races.  Both while working and while firing away at the windows.  I’ve had a couple minus two grand days back in my heyday of betting, but while those days might make it into my top five worst days at the races, number one is a different kind of bad.

It was May 3, 2008.  Kentucky Derby Day.  But let me start a year or so before that.  I’ve written on here before about my struggles with anxiety, in fact I’m sure some of you are thinking “please not another anxiety blog!”  Well, this one isn’t that.  Nope, this is a depression blog!

My first year at River Downs in 2006 was amazing.  I just loved everything about being a racecaller and living in Cincinnati and meeting new people and traveling.  It was such an amazing year for me.  When I came back in 2007 for year two I was struggling a little bit.   My anxiety was high and I had ended a somewhat short relationship but I was still bummed about it.  I had also lost a friend in a motorcycle accident and I bought a condo that Spring, so I’m sure stress played a role in all of that.

Somewhere in the middle of that Summer of 2007 I remember standing in line at a Chipotle restaurant up on Beechmont Avenue.  I was standing there feeling weirdly numb and then I just started crying.  Right in the middle of the line.  I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t stop.  The crying continued for about two or three weeks.  I had what I realize now were many of the classic depression symptoms.  Struggling to get out of bed, super lethargic, no appetite, and just no excitement about anything.  With the help of a new counselor I seemed to “work” myself out of this “funk” and thought I cleared a hurdle.  I went back to Portland Meadows that winter and everything was going well and came back to River Downs hoping for a great third season there.

A week or so into being back into Cincinnati I felt those same depressive thoughts and feelings starting to come back.  Within a few days I was really having a tough time.  I remember climbing the stairs up to my announcers booth suddenly started to become a huge task.  Standing up to call the races seemed exhausting.  I remember around the last week of April I bought an air mattress and put it up in the booth.  I would lay down between races cause all I wanted to do was lay down.  This was the first time thoughts of suicide ever came into my head.  I remember really wishing I would die although I never had a specific plan.

So that brings me to May 3, 2008.  My worst day at the races.  I remember calling my mom before the races that day in tears.  I had hid the depression episode from her and most other family and friends the year before.  But this was another level.  I was terrified.  I gave my anxiety and depression so much power over me.  My mom reassured me that if I did my exercise and ate well and got back with my counselor that I’d work through it.

I got to the races and went and hid up in my booth.  I remember calling the first race and just losing it afterwards.   I was so done with it all.  My pattern for that day was to call a race, lay down on my air mattress, cry for 20 minutes, then get up and do it again.  Finally the 7th race, start of the late double came.  This time I couldn’t stop crying and the horses were coming up to the gate.  I got myself together as best I could.  The race went off and I was going along ok but mid-race I started to lose my composure a bit.  My voice cracked a little.  I paused and took a deep breath, then went back to it.  A horse named Outta Tune hit the line in front (he eventually became a really good horse for Maggi Moss).  I turned off my mic and collapsed to the floor and broke down.  I had thought I was at least functioning for work, but I wasn’t at all.

I picked up the phone and called my friend Vince downstairs.  Vince was my backup announcer but luckily I had never missed a race so he never had to call one, which I know he did not want to have to do.  But i needed him that day.  I just couldn’t compose myself to even talk anymore.  I was shaking.  Vince came up and walked me downstairs to the main desk where a nice lady who worked up there named Nancy sat with me and asked if I needed to go to the hospital.  I was so embarrassed and shaking and just nodded no, but within a minute of that, she told me that I needed to go.

We pulled out of the lot and as we did I could hear Vinny announcing the post parade for the 8th and final race.  I felt so bad for putting him in that spot.  He’s one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met.  Not just in racing, but in life.  I love him like a brother, even though I haven’t seen him in over a decade now.

I got to the hospital and as I sat there I started to calm down a bit.  The doctor came in right about 6:25, which as it happened, was post time for the Derby.  The doc talked to me and I told him was announcing at the track and couldn’t keep myself together.  So he sat at the foot of my bed and we watched Big Brown break from the 20 hole and draw off to win.  I called my mom and told her “I think I need to come home.”   She was on the first flight out the next day and helped me pack up.  I went back to the track to give Mr. Hannessian my formal resignation.  We parked at the 1/16th pole and I remember I couldn’t even watch the horses come down the lane.  It made me sick to my stomach and just brought me back to Derby Day.   Mr. Hannessian told me he understood and that he wished me the best and wanted me to get better.  I left River Downs and never went back.

There’s been 3 times when I thought my career in racing was done.  That was the first time.  The second was in spring of 2012, and the third was after I left Louisiana Downs in 2015.   For some reason I’ve stayed and for some even stranger reason they’ve let me stay.   My relationship to the sport is a lot healthier than it ever was when I was a racecaller.  And once in a while, for some reason or another, I might have a lousy day at the races.  But I can’t imagine any day being as bad as that one in 2008.

Some words, Between Me and You

I was on my morning walk today and on my playlist came up a song by Brandon Flowers called “Between Me and You.”   Brandon is the lead singer for the band The Killers, who have been one of my favorite bands the last ten or fifteen years.  But this song was off one of his solo albums, 2015’s The Desired Effect.   It came out in the Spring of 2015 and it got me thinking about that time, April of 2015.  It was just a few weeks before American Pharoah would start his run through the Triple Crown.  A few weeks before my 35th birthday.  And a few weeks after I called my last race as an announcer.

When I left Louisiana Downs in early April that year I drove back to Seattle, interviewed at Emerald Downs for that announcer job, and didn’t get it.  I was heartbroken and angry and figured my time in racing was done.  I deleted my twitter account, went off the map a little, and started driving Uber.  While driving people all around the Seattle area I would usually just put a CD in and play it at a low volume.  Well in mid May when Brandon’s album The Desired Effect came out, I bought it, and played it on a loop for weeks.  It was poppy, cheery, and wonderful.  But every time it got to Track 5, I’d turn it up just a little.  And when nobody was in the car, I’d turn it up a lot.   The song is called Between Me and You and there were some lines it that just punched me square in the gut.  I’ve always gravitated towards music that makes me sad as opposed to that makes me happy.  And this song made me so sad, but in the best way.

“All my life.  I’ve been told.  Follow your dreams.  But the trail went cold.”  

I was 35 and felt I’d come to the end of the line on my dream.  Every time I heard that lyric in the song I thought “That’s me.  The trail has gone cold.  What the hell am I gonna do?”   For the next six months the answer was I was gonna drive people around Seattle.  I’ve said before on here driving that six months actually made me really appreciate the blessings I had to call races for nine years.  I had an incredibly fun job for 9 years and got paid to do it.  How fortunate I was.  But at the time, I sure felt like a total failure.  And as I applied for other announcing jobs, Turf Paradise, Lone Star, Zia, and others, I kept getting the “thanks so much for applying, we got many terrific applicants and we’re going with NOT YOU” emails.   I just kept feeling worse about myself and my future.  I applied for all sorts of jobs in so many other industries.  It became clear that racing and announcing were probably over.  Then I’d go back to that song again.

“I was just too proud to know.  There’s a power in letting go.  I never thought that it’d be so hard.” 

There was a power in letting go.  I think sometimes in my life I’ve held on to things just because they’re familiar.  Racecalling became an identity and if I didn’t have that identity then I was a loser.  People wouldn’t like me or care about me.  The things we make up in our heads.  Truth is anybody who liked me before would still like me.  And those who didn’t, still wouldn’t.  Regardless if I was an announcer or an uber driver or a bum.

“And I feel like I got nothing to show for this life that I’ve been wondering “What am I supposed to do?   But I’m doing my best” 

Three years later and when this song comes on I still relate to the lyrics, even though the circumstances are different.  They aren’t job specific as much as trying to let go of other things in life that I’m maybe holding on to.   Accepting what is and what still can be.  Trying to find purpose at a different stage of life.   Letting go of the idea of certain things that I grew up always assuming would happen and maybe won’t.   Which is ok.  There is a power in letting go.

I remember reading an interview with Brandon where he said he never likes to say exactly what his songs are about, because he wants people to make them about what they want.  And I think that’s what I’ve done with this song.  It’s meant different things to me at different times.  And I’m sure next year and the year after that it’ll mean something totally different than it does now.   I’ve always felt music

 

Vlog of trip to Sequim, WA

One of my favorite things I’ve learned in the past year is video editing, and I love to do small Vlogs (video diary kinda things) of my various day trips.  Here’s one I did of my New Year’s Eve travels to Sequim, Washington.  While you’re there please subscribe to my Youtube Channel.   There’s lots of vlogs and other fun little things on there.  One of my goals in 2018 is to do more video stuff, just cause I really find it creatively fulfilling.

Portland Meadows season

So the Summer has turned to Fall, which can mean only one thing, no more heat!  But also means it’s time for Portland Meadows to open up.  Sloppy tracks, $2000 claimers, Javier Matias winning three a day, there’s nothing like it.  The track opens up on Monday and got me thinking about my time there as I actually am in Portland right now writing this.  The city has changed a bit, but overall it still seems very familiar.  This was home from 2008 to 2014 as well as a the winters of 2006 and 2007.  Lots of moving during that time, lots of Russell Street BBQ, and lots of memories, good and bad.

The announcers booth at PM is a rickety shack on top of an old building.  It moves a lot when people walk down the hallway.  In my mind’s eye I can still remember a lot of the times up there.  But now a couple of years removed from announcing, I do feel like I’m forgetting a little bit of what it looked like through the binoculars to call a race.  I’ve kind of put to bed the idea of racecalling anymore as I just think it’s not a great fit for me in a number of ways.  I do feel like I was good at it and I have some great memories of doing it, particularly at Portland Meadows.

I called my first race ever in that booth.  6th race on January 8, 2006 I believe it was.  A Colt Named Sue got the win for my good friend Ben Root.  I called about 8 more races that winter and was hired at River Downs.  By the time the River meet was ending in 2006, Portland offered me the job to be the announcer there.  I was 6 months into my announcing career and had near year round work.   I remember my first day in 2006 as the full time announcer being much more confident than I had been when ‘Sue won back in January.  I was still pretty green though.  I think I settled into stride as a racecaller about 5 years in.  I think it really does take that long to find your voice and really get confident in what you’re doing.

I remember 2009 Opening day and Kruger Park winning the Inaugural, although I didn’t call the race.  I was starting to have bad panic attacks around then and basically had a meltdown after about the 7th race.  Our racing Secretary came upstairs and called the last two, including the feature.  I missed a couple of days and came back.  My first day back I was almost through the last race when the panic attacks came back.  I started to walk down the hall, I called the racing secretary up, and I was ready to honest to god quit.  I stopped, took a deep breath, and knew I’d regret it if I did.  I got through that day and turned things around.  That was such a small moment in time, but at the time, was a HUGE moment for me.

I just looked up the charts for 2010 and 2011 for opening day and don’t recall much from those opening days.  They must have gone ok 🙂  2012 and 2013 Portland shifted to a summer meet, which everyone said would be a disaster, but kind of only was half a disaster.  Locally, on Friday nights, it was really fun.  Big crowds, racing under the (terrible) lights, it was a blast.  By this time I had stopped working at Portland Meadows full time and was now just the announcer.  I must be the only idiot who gives up a year round, salary, benefits, racing job because of anxiety.  Oh the stress of working at the track.  But it was what it was.

2014 was my last year at Portland Meadows, and in all honesty, probably my best.  I was working with a trainer, lost some weight, was feeling good, and it showed in my announcing.  I was really back in love with it.  That’s when the Louisiana Downs job came up and I was feeling so good I wanted to push myself and give it a try.   Leaving Portland Meadows then really did feel right.  They were down to like 39 days a year, LaD was 130.  But also I just felt ready to move on from there.  I remember the goodbyes being pretty emotional.  People were so nice to me there.  I’d been a part of that community for 9 years and really loved the people there.

But man, I can list a million things that happened while I was at Portland Meadows.  I was 25 when I arrived there and 34 when I left.  So much changed for me, but the people there make that place a great place.  I know the racing isn’t much on the quality side of things, but I was always so proud to be the voice of Portland Meadows.  Really proud.

Last totally random PM story.  The announcer who was there about a decade before I got there, Jim Sorenson.  I never met him, and really didn’t hear many of his calls.  But our equibase guy would always tell me stories about him.  He’d always say when a horse was out front “Out there a couple a three”.  And that always made me laugh as a way to say 2 or 3 lengths.  When I was warming up the fields, I almost always would say “he’s out there a couple a three” and amuse myself.

Coming back to Spokane

So i’m writing this from a comfy motel bed in Spokane, Washington (population 215,000).

apartment

Gonzaga School of Law.  Home of my first panic attack and a few terrible answers during Torts class. 

I actually lived in Spokane for a little while, and although my time here wasn’t long, in the grand scheme of things for me, it’s kind of central to my life in some ways.  I lived here for much of 2002/03 attending Gonzaga Law School.   I spent much more time at the Post Falls, Idaho Greyhound OTB than I did the classroom, but I was doing alright.  One day during my second semester there I was sitting in Civil Procedure class listening to the lecture.  When I started feeling “not right.”  I looked over at my classmate Susan and said “I’m going to step out for a second, watch my stuff please,” and I walked out.  I wasn’t freaking out or anything, just kept thinking “I don’t feel right.”

So I walked to the campus medical building and asked to see the nurse.   They asked if maybe I had blood sugar issues, and I assured them that in fact I had just an hour or so ago eaten a delicious western bacon cheeseburger from Carl’s Jr. with a tub of diet coke.  They gave me some apple juice but they tested my sugar and everything was good.  So I chalked it up to nothing and went home.   Well that evening I was laying on my couch watching tv when I went to swallow and couldn’t.  My throat locked up.  It was a weird sensation.  I sprang up from my couch and tried again.  nothing.   I called my aunt Brenda and told her I was having trouble breathing and felt really weird.  She suggested I go turn on a hot shower and that it might be an asthma attack.  I did that.  Still was feeling really “off.”   So I called a schoolmate from Gonzaga who was actually a friend from undergraduate school at U. of Washington.  I asked him if he could take me to the hospital cause something was wrong.   That whole ten minute drive I sat there positive I was dying or was going to die.  We got there and I don’t remember much about it, but I remember they gave me an ativan and said I needed to relax and it was “stress.”  They didn’t use the term panic attack but that’s what it was.

So the next day it happened again.  I started feeling a little off and started worrying and next thing I knew I was panicking.  Then it happened the next day… and the next day…and the….you get the idea.   So I moved home.  I quit law school.  I left Spokane.  And I haven’t been back since.  Until today.

I decided to take a little weekend trip.  I went to Rocky Rococo’s for dinner (favorite pizza place in spokane).  I went and saw where old Playfair racetrack was (more on that below).  I went to my old apartment where the big panic attack happened.  I went to Gonzaga law school.  I’ve found that when I have a panic attack somewhere that it’s always best to go right back or else i’ll make it into a phobia, which I do quite a bit.   So, today was me coming back to the first place it happened, albeit 14 years later.

I certainly don’t think this visit was something I needed to do, or to move on from or anything like that.  Part of me was just curious to see a place I called home for a bit.  Just like i’d love to go see Cincinnati or Shreveport or Portland again.  But what today did bring up was a lot of remorse over what those first few panic attacks have brought since.  I often have viewed my life split into before my dad died and after he died, cause I always thought that was the big event for me.  And it was major.  But there was two years between dad dying and the panic attacks starting where I lived some of my best life.  I was active and engaged with the world.  I played music, traveled, lost weight, and was extremely social.  I hung out with friends all the time.  It was when the panic attacks started that all of that started to whittle slowly away.   For me that’s when life turned the corner onto the road I’m on now and have been on.  A road that frankly, is not great.

I’ve come to terms with some of this, which I think is a big part of adulthood.  Things are never gonna be happy, exciting, good, like they were when I was younger.  My late teens and early 20s were legitimately good.  I was generally a happy person.  I’ve accepted that is the past, even though I wish it was possible to get back to.  Now instead of “happiness” (whatever the f that means) I shoot for fulfillment.  I have a job where I get to be creative and I’ve found being creative is what gives me fulfillment.  If I do a radio show, or an interview, or write something, or make a video, I feel like I’ve done something.  Something tactile, even if just auditory.

I do still hold out hope that being social and active will again be part of my life, but since those days here in Spokane in 2003, that window has shrunk more and more.   But I suppose the answer is just to keep getting up and working at it and hopefully a corner gets turned.  I’m glad I came back here, and given a do over, and knowing what I know now, I wonder if I could have stuck it out over there.  But seeing how things played out in Cincinnati and Louisiana, the answer to that is probably no.  I think what frustrates me most about the anxiety issues is that even though they’re internal, I feel like it’s something out of my control that keeps me down.  That has prevented me from living a better life.  It’s almost like a sentence of some sort without committing a crime.  Or maybe I did commit some crime to the universe that I’m not recalling?  Eh, i’m just rambling now.  Anyways, I’m glad I came to Spokane.

lawschool

Here’s Rocky Rococo! 

rocky

Here’s what’s left of Playfair Racecourse

Nine songs I absolutely love

I was thinking as I was listening to music while taking my morning walk, there are some songs to me that are just perfect.  That even after hundreds of listens they still strike a chord inside of me.  So I tried to think of a handful of songs that I absolutely love.  Here they are in no particular order.

Ben E. King–Stand By Me

Maybe it’s cause of the movie which was such a big part of my childhood, but I think this is a perfect song.  The bass intro, Ben E. King’s incredibly soulful singing, and the simplicity of a wonderful melody.  Absolutely timeless.  People will know this song 50 years from now.

Mother Love Bone–Chloe Dancer

I love the piano intro on this.  The second half of the song, Crown of Thorns is great as well.  But the first two minutes just moves me.  “A dream like this must die.”  Andy Wood dying shortly after recording this makes it all the more haunting.

The Killers–Bling (Confessions of a King)

Not even a single off the mighty Sam’s Town album.  But this song literally gets me dancing every time I hear it.  When I saw them in Vegas I was crying like a baby by the time the ending hit.  I was hooked on these guys when Hot Fuss came out, but Sam’s Town made me a lifelong fan.  I included the live version here cause the build up to the ending is even more intense.

Oasis–Don’t Look Back in Anger

This was the song I was listening to when I thought about writing about this.  It’s perfect.  There’s just no other way to say it.  It’s a perfect pop song.  Instantly recognizable, an amazing verse, a huge chorus.  This is one of those stadium sing along type songs.

Interpol–Obstacle 1

I love how this song builds.  Starts with a single guitar riff.  Adds a second guitar.  Then the drums kick in.  Then finally a bass melody joins before it all combines.  Carlos Dengler’s bass parts in all Interpol songs are incredible, but man do I love them in here.

Lady Gaga–Gypsy (acoustic)

What a talent she is.  Honestly, I don’t like when her songs are done up in full electric pop mode (Alejandro an exception).  But when she’s stripped down to just a piano and her incredible voice, I can listen all day.   I’ve spent a big chunk of my adulthood “on the road” and this song always connected with me in that regard.

Imagine Dragons–Shots (acoustic)

The album version of this song is actually not good.  I heard it on Howard Stern in this acoustic format and it hit my like a punch to the gut.  This version is incredible.  It’s a song I wish I wrote.  It’s all about regret.  The last couple years of my life I’ve focused so much on regret.  On how much damage i’ve done to myself.

Alice in Chains–Would?

I remember seeing this video and thinking Layne Staley was the coolest man on the planet.  And even though he’s been dead for 15 years, I still think he was.
Brandon Flowers–Between Me and You
This is another that goes to that idea of regret.  It’s someone exploring regret in their relationship.  The songs I connect with are always sad songs.  “All my life, I’ve been told, follow your dreams, but the trail got cold.”  This song came out after I had missed out on my dream job and was really at a low point.  It took me a while to realize that indeed a dream I’d pursued for a decade was indeed over.  This song helped me deal with that.  Well, it just helped me cry more and get out the emotion of it all.

Reading Southbound

Well I finally did it.  I was sick this past weekend and as I was laying on the couch I looked up and saw it there sitting on the shelf.  My book.  Southbound had it’s 3rd publication birthday last month and I must admit I’ve been thinking about it more lately.  So i finally read it.   Every so often I get lovely notes from people who read it and sometimes I get questions about certain parts of it.  The two questions I seem to get most often are “was the scene in the Cal Expo chapter real?” and “Who is Maria based on?”

When the book came out I did a bunch of interviews and always kind of used the same answer for most questions.  “The book is fiction and I use my backstory as a kicking off point.  What it really is is a relapse fantasy.  I felt it was safer to play out the relapse fantasy than to actually try the relapse.” sb

That’s all mostly true.  There’s a lot of truth in Southbound but there’s a lot of fiction as well.  I know that’s kinda vague but it is the truth.  As far as those two questions above the answer’s are 1.) Basically true and 2.) She was kind of an amalgamation of two people in the racing business.  Now you can all guess and I won’t tell you who!  But it wasn’t that I was in love with those two people as the character Ryan was with Maria.  It was more I found them compelling and thought they could make a compelling character using features of both.

So back to reading Southbound.  When I say I haven’t read it, I just mean I haven’t read it in book form.  I read the damn thing 500 times during the writing, editing, editing, and editing phase.  I remember thinking all the time during the three years from first word to publishing “It’ll be so cool if someday I get to hold this thing in my hands and read it.”  Then once I finally had it in my hands I never did.  I tried starting it a couple times but I just didn’t want to read it.  So this time I plowed through and found it to be a very interesting and emotional experience.

First of all, I didn’t remember writing a lot of the stuff.  Some sentences I’d finish and think “did I really write that?”  Some sentences I thought were corny or bad.  Some I thought were good.  Some I wished I could go back and edit right there and then.  The parts that were the most emotionally triggering were when Ryan initially leaves on the trip, the panic attack and subsequent showing of his suicide attempt scar to Maria, and the end.  In those three instances I definitely remember having emotions as I wrote them and reading them back I certainly felt the words and the memories of writing them and whatever similarities they may have had to real life.  The one thing I did try and do was put my pain into Ryan.  I think looking back I also wanted to punish him as I felt that I deserved to be punished.

I did spend a lot of yesterday thinking about the psychology of the things I did to that character and some of the bad things he did to other people.  One thing I found interesting is there is very little mention of his father.  Other than noting he’s dead and a story or two about him, there isn’t much.  I thought about that a lot.  And I came to the conclusion that maybe I wanted Ryan to exist in a world where he wasn’t always thinking about his dead father.  Maybe I wanted to give him at least the peace of not dwelling on that.

He also wasn’t very great to women at any point in the book.  I wonder if this was frustration from my own relationships not working out?  I like to be alone and maybe I had him try and push those people away, similar to how I’ve done in my own life in regards to social interactions and relationships?

The book was certainly me processing the gambling, addiction, anxiety, and all that.  But what I still think it is most about is running away.  From responsibilities, from accountability, from family, from friends, from being seen.  There’s a lot of shame in it.  It’s very possible that I might digest the book differently than other readers for obvious reasons.  But that’s what I got from it.

When I finished it I was pretty tired.  There was a lot of feeling going on reading back through it.  I’m still remarkably proud of it.  I’m most proud of just starting and seeing through such a long term and big project.  It was a TON of work.  I’ve never worked at anything in my life as hard as I did on that book.  Three years.  I’m curious to see what happens if I read it three years from now.  Maybe i’ll find it different than I did this past weekend?  Maybe the same?